Well this as late as it gets...

    Well Hi ! Well I woke up late as hell after a fun evening yesterday and of course, despite barely leaving the house I ended up sick with something that's got half my throat puffed up like I inhaled something werid. So yeah I'm sick partly, I got 2 days left of my Christmas break aaaand I'm thinking about how I want things to be different. So I'm going to, I have too. I can't keep waiting around, I'm mad at myself for not taking my life more seriously until now.

but at the same time, I'm grateful that I didn't make too many mistakes.  I have an alright amount of money in my checking account even if I don't have a savings. I have a roof over my head even if it was just an extended courtesy of my folks in law because of what happened. I pay a very a low amount of rent and I have people that check in on me to make sure I've eaten and make sure that I don't feel too lonely. 

I am grateful for my friends that support me from the back behind I do need it even if I want to just be left alone and just do it all by myself, it just goes against the way my world works. Even in what I would describe as MY perfect world I'd still have my closest friends asking me how I'm feeling and checking in on me or even just saying hi to make sure I'm still here. 

I love them so fucking much- So much that they'd probably think I'm werid. I want to give them the world just to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. Not just because of what happened but because of everything in general. For sticking by me and loving me back in thier own specific ways. 

I love them I love them I love them so so fucking much- I need to call my dad. 

I have too many thoughts swirling around my head right now and I feel my emotions trying to burst out and even though I try to let go so that they can fall over me like thier suppose to I keep swallowing them down even when I'm not trying too. I don't know how to let go of this grip I have on the way my feelings effect my body. I only let the negative through easily, most things positive I fight tooth and nail because I feel as if it's always some well hidden lie and I'd rather it just show it's true intent from the beginning then for me to let it in just for it to hurt me later on. 

and I'm most likely the biggest liar I know- I want everything to be real, true and clear right before me when I myself always hide things. I keep them locked away..I keep it under lock and key in the darkest part of my mind. So deep and dark that I honestly forget about that part of myself. That I'm just a girl that wants the best of everything but I can never seem to figure out how to make it work for myself. 

that I actually am resilient and alot of other things but I refuse to let those things show. A conduit for all the good that everyone probably tells me I am but I just can't...open that box- Hell I can't even reach the box. it feels like it's in an unreachable place. But I'm always hyper aware of what it's doing..whenever it creeks open and let's some of that darkness seep out. Like a bag full of angry little monsters. 

I miss him but at the same time, I don't wanna think about him anymore. But it's just me running away again- I don't want to admit that I miss him the way he use to me feel, the way he'd call me, how he'd tell me it would all be alright. The way he promised me everything. . . and how he told me he loved me for the last time and I said it back angrily because I was mad at him. 

How I wish I could have taken it back, how I wish I would have kissed him and held him so fucking tight before I could never touch him again...ever...

*Cry break* 

anyways...this isn't what I was writing this for. 

*took a small scroll and bathroom break* Totally lost my train of thought- 

Well I missed my Opt to post this on the last day of the year and it is currently 3:19 a.m

I went out to round one It's like this arcade place or whatever I've never been there before It's similar to like a Dave & Buster's but way bigger and I guess the pricing was probably a bit better too for groups It's just I wish they had more games that I liked I still ended up having a really good time.

Had lots of fun laughed a lot didn't have too much to drink I really only had like the one free drink that came with a our group I guess like everyone that came got one free drink a couple of the people you know bought more with their own money I decided to not mostly because I am sick pretty much just having the one for like New Year's sake was enough for me really and we went back to like one of these people's houses for the countdown or whatever Which was also fun and then we all sat and chatted and played this game called buds Roses and thorns? 

Where are you pretty much talk about something good that happened, something else good that happened but has a potential to become something even better or has potential to become bigger and better I guess something like that and then the thorn would be like something bad that's happened to you. Pretty much everyone except for me and I think that super quiet dudes name was Tate or something He kind of just sat and like listened to everyone else but he didn't really say anything at all.

I didn't really want to you know say my piece because first of all I don't really know any of you to only two of you have actually met him in three I just didn't want to talk about that particular thing today because I've already thought about it earlier in the day and I've had my moment for the day about it and I'm not really going to share something like that that's so heavy with people I don't really know The first day meeting them. So I decided to just kind of listen to everyone till their stories and whatnot and you know just vibe with everyone I guess but everybody started tapping out and leaving cuz everyone was getting sleepy which I mean yeah cuz I thought we were probably going to leave maybe around like 1:00 a.m. latest cuz you know be chatting it up shooting the s*** whatever after the countdown n**** it is 3:00 a.m. and now everybody's getting sleepy out baby I wanted to go home- 

But I decided to stick it out just a little bit longer and honestly I ain't got too much break time left so I was like f*** it we ball, I ain't got s*** going on today anyway so might as well just you know get in my social time for the day and you know chop it up or whatever I don't know if the one dude what was his name Morgan or something like that I think probably I don't remember but he was like trying awfully hard to talk to me like a lot and I'm just like hi I guess I'm just kind of I'm kind of just here dude he's like oh you're really cool and blah blah and is that in the third and I'm just like thanks I don't really want to socialize I'm kind of just here as an extra person you know but you know it was cool I had fun but now that I'm home I'm going to probably sit for a bit in the dark and then I'll probably start getting ready for bed or actually I should just go to bed cuz it's late as hell and I got to go to work in 2 days so yeah..

Here's to the new year and to doing my best to make it better than the last 🍻✨

Early thoughts..

 I know majority of us have moved onto bigger and better things by now and I expect pretty much no one to ever read these...but I just had my Ryze and I'm listening to this song tilted come along with me..it has no actual lyrics because it's a song made for a mod- for a game called Fnf or Friday night Funkin'. 

anyway- I'm alittle too in my own thoughts and I've been meaning to write much earlier this week but I can't say I was too busy (I was) I honestly just didn't make time. But I did tell myself I was gonna write  something I didn't know what and here I forgot I have a whole ass online diary I can write on. I dunno if I ever mentioned that I have a youtube but I do..it's alright I mostly do it for fun because it's definitely not making me any extra income but I realized that's something I need to work on myself. I technically have alot of games I have yet to finish on my channel that I wasn't sure if anyone was all that interested in seeing so I stopped. 

but that's my issue- I never made this channel with anyone else in mind. I made it for me and people I care about. Something for them to have of me once I'm gone. Doing things I love and having a good time or just expressing myself- 

I've been thinking more and more about what my channel really stands for recently and I need to take it back to my roots. I'm gonna post whatever I want because if people like me for mw they'll stay and want to see more. I don't play the game kinda games everybody and thier mama's fucking play online- I'm not apart of some huge ass machine that likes or does the same things as anyone else. 

I am my own person- and Even if I'm still sorta mad at him for what he did- I won't deny that I miss him. *starts tearing up thinking about him* I'm pretty sure my folks in law wanna go see him today and part of me really doesn't want too. I've faced reality, I've cried my tears for the most part, There's nothing else I could or really want to say to him. I can only love him from a far because he's somewhere I couldn't even imagine because his idea of complete peace and tranquility would be 100% different from what I would consider to be the same thing. To be it wouldn't be such a light place, sure it'd have light elements or whatever but I'm not a light kinda person, I've always gravitated toward darker things as I got older. it's just what brings me comfort. even right now as I'm writing this the only light sources are this keyboard and my christmas lights. 

Sorry I had to take a take a quick break from writing to cry and just listen to this song- The same song from earlier. Alot of songs I find these days make me think of him and I wish they didn't but I do miss him and it's just like rolling a ball through a tube that leads in a circle I see or listen to something I want him to see or hear it..But he can't- I want to share it so badly...but no one relatively likes the same things I do....I feel alone even inna room filled with people that care for me and about me...just like he did...I think about myself the very core of who I am...what am I? what will I become? I take my own life too at some point? I don't want too but this life hasn't been the most kind to me..

I gave me a terrible mother, it took one of my Sisters from me, it took my grandma from me, then it decided to take some of my uncles and then it took my mom...and then it decided to take one of the absolute closest people to me that've had stuck to my hip every single day for 2 years....I fucking hate this, I hate life, I hate everyone...I hate him for making me feel this way...I don't wanna feel anything anymore...but I still want all the while...

I want so so much to live the life he promised me...I want to live to see the places I've always dreamed of going too so matter how fucking afraid I am of flying on a plane.  I owe it to my younger self to travel and see Japan even if it's only once and for a few days..

I WANT TO GO..

I'd like to make my dad a grandpa at some point in my life, I don't wanna see my dad die, I don't want to die before him either, I don't want anyone else close to me to die..ever...if they do I'd rather us all go together...so I don't have to mourn anyone else...

but that's just not realistic..I have to be real because this my life, these choices are mine.. I have to change things even if I'm not at all motivated to fucking do anything but go through my same stupid draining daily routine. 

I started small...this new coffee is my start I'm on day 6 of having 1 cup every single morning and listening to affirmations while I get ready for work. Next I'll do my best to incorporate more movement either by game running with my ring fit or by some kinda yoga something easy because I'm just not built for movement like I use to be..but that's my own fault.

On my 30th birthday I'm gonna marry myself and I'll live the rest of my days beside myself, with myself only...because I'm all I need anyway..no matter how hard it gets..how dark it becomes I'll pull myself back and we'll keep going. I owe it to myself even if I don't become the artist I wanted to be or even the writer....I will become someone my younger self would have loved to meet and become friends with. 

Someone she could turn too when things got hard and alls she wanted to was cry, someone would hold her and guide her through those rough times help her get back on track.

I'm here for you sweetpea, I love you soo much. 

I love ya'll too even I don't say it...I do and I mean it. 

I promise I'll be back again before the year ends..

I know I know another large break..

I'm not even gonna go through the whole song and dance your get it by now. My will to write fluctuates just like my weight lol.  

Currently. . . I'm uhh not Ina good place despite my circumstances... So I'll just go down the list of important events I can think since my last post was in Jan of last year.

👤 I'm still working for that company that a friend at the time (now ex bf who is no longer associated with the company) got me into. I'm going on 4 years there oddly enough and a lot has happened within the confines of this school. 

❌ I had a racist, sexist gay nigga that was my manager. Honestly I have no opinion about people with different sexual preferences from me it doesn't effect me, put money in my bank account or effect my sleep at night- could literally not give a fuck more. Because I don't 🤷🏾‍♀️ 

Fast forward I work under him like a good little drone starting from the bottom- of course do a good ass job slowly claw my way up be recognized as a good enough employee to take on more work. I was eager yet reluctant but I do it anyway. I get a service safe license (despite the person who's idea it was for me to get it, lying to me about how the higher ups and himself didn't think I was ready to make such a huge step for just being with the company just shy of my 1st year)

I pass the test by barely studying because most of the test was common knowledge- shit I already knew and was doing everyday anyways.

❌ Fast forward 2 more years I'm enduring verbal abuse at work from this dude , get into multiple arguments, got my new boyfriend was also one of my closest friends a job at my school.

He gets cyber stalked by my manager because I made the dumb ass choice to add him as a friend on FB because when I first started I was stupid enough to think we actually got along. (It was all a fucking act because he was fake as SHIT)

he goes out of his way to let him work at my school for just 1 week, compliments him, pretends as if he didn't absolutely hate my fucking guts 100 fold since he was brought to our school. While he was around he barely spoke to me because he was afraid...

I mean he was a big guy with military experience that intimidates the fuckk out of him mostly and only because he was so use to being the only man in our school, most of my co workers even currently are all on the older side.

So him being in the presence of another man he can't flirt or fucking around bothered the fuck out of him

ANYWADES

❌ He continues his digging and reports my bf for lying, berates me once gets officially fired that if I "ever lie to him again he'll fire me" which he actually attempted to do twice but took it back seeing aaaaaaas

1.} I'm in the position directly under him and if I'm not present at work HE is then responsible to get my work done which means he can't sit on his ass and call his mom while on the job, or take smoke breaks or call his so called fiancee or whatever he was to him that particular week 🙄 

2.} He would then be a prime target for a new very very disgruntled bf of mine that he got fired recently that knows exactly where my school is WHAT his car looks like and what time our shifts end..which also has him shitting bricks so hard that 10 to 20 mins before the end of the shift he'd be peeking out his window to check and see if he had arrived to pick me up. Where he would then announce to everyone that was ride had arrived. To which I'd still take my time wait until exactly 2 pm to clock out and leave just to watch him sweat because I looooooved seeing him so fucking on edge..

If he didn't decided to give some random reason as to why he had to "leave early" and beat my bf to living me up he would absolutely wait for us to leave first, watch us through his office window until we got fast enough away for his liking to where he'd finally feel safe enough to leave himself.

And then finally 3.) If he actually did decide to fire I was planning to pull out all the stops to get him put in the hospital for everything he put me through....but luckily I suppose he had some good Karma 

Fast forward abit more I'm still at this school (this is extremely recently) He finally gets reported enough by the teachers, students and Thier parents because of the way he has been talking to the students and staff that he gets transferred out to a different school ! 🥳🎉. 

🤗 I play manager for a short while they try and find a replacement, they send up a temp manager named Kelly who happened to be a new hire. Super cool, actually cool, very down to earth, very dependable and HAS YET to switch up at all. While she was acting manger she changed allot of things at my school with my input and actually made sure everyone respected my work and my work processes.

 1.) No one leaves early until my prep is complete everyone is required to help. And you can only leave early if I give the go ahead. Which was super nice of her and honestly those were my best months with this company to DATE. 

2.) She was truly a gem and always checked in with me and checked on me and actually physically helped if I ended up getting overwhelmed. 🥺 She'd take the load off and make things easier for me.. Which was a surprising change and had never happened before I was literally beside myself with the way I felt so supported by her...I wish she could have stayed with us... But apparently the high school has dibs on her because she's suppose to be the replacement for the long time manager there once she retires go fucking figure 😒 

🙄 Later on once she starts over at the highschool they finally send us our actual new manager this chick named Shawna...since I was so use to things being nice and in my favor when Kelly was still here I was full prayed to throw this job in the trash if this new chick showed any signs of being anything like my last manager. . . I'm abit too old now to be bullied ya know? I can't let someone walk all over me too beat me down with insults...

I no longer tolerate that sort of treatment (side note: which is why right before my last manager got transferred we got into a huge argument that also got his ass beat my own hand. My bf was absolutely livid after I told him about it and of course the little pussy had to "leave early" that particular day after it heated argument. Everyone who was literally in the kitchen at tiny was on my side, even the maintenance guys that were in the kitchen fixing through when we started up said they'd report him and I guess they came through for me in the end )

Fastforward to now to keep it abit brief.

Shawna was nice and cool at first taking a page from Kelly's book- working song side me, checking in with me to make sure what I need is taking care of first and foremost because- well not to toot my own horn or anything but it is the most important thing to the company 2nd only to the paperwork that keeps track of the EVERYTHING ya know? 

We have a small batch of new highers some foreigners that are uhh English limited they get welcomed on me being the nice person I am try to bridge the gap by suggesting ideas to make communication easier everyone.

They get settled into Thier station Thier doing good, doing excellent were all cool here finally I'm at peace again but then this new hire the next year (this year) gets a friend hired and that's when everything changed...

All of a sudden the first new hire has some sort of problem with me and is going out his way to try and paint me as the bad guy to Shawna and she's a fucking ditz let me fucking tell you. She's a an older lady, military experience yadda yaddabut, were BOTH Capricorns and she's got this idea in her head that she has the play the role of peace keeper with everyone at unit although she's doing an ABSOLUTE dick job of it...

Heridea if peace keeping is pulling me into the office for random assessment and adjustments about the way I speak, what I'm wearing which isn't out of dress code btw and how I do my work as well as interacting my fellow co workers. 

I've been painted as difficult, hard to work with, MEAN (all these things are true if you get on my bad side) and that I should LEAD BY EXAMPLE

BY BEING MORE POSITIVE (which is not in my nature- I do NOT fake how I'm feeling) , CHIPPER, AND NICER TO THOSE AROUND ME SO THAT THEY RESPECT ME MORE AND TAKE WHAT I DO MORE SERIOUSLY. 

Which for whatever reason they do not- not even her as a matter of fact and she's been in my position herself before so she knows exactly what it's like to do what I do..

When I voice what the actual issue was I was not heard and instead of complex choose to take his side because she felt as if I was being petty, rude and disfunctional on purpose in order to create chaos....

Which honestly I don't need to even do anything for this place to fall into it- they all make it happen in thier own.

But that's when she started acting differently. She stopped talking to me and pretty much only exclusively talks to everyone else about pretty much everything that she should be talking to ME about because it pretains to MY job tasks and no one else would have a clue...but she's stuck to her guns in being the happy median between my horrific behavior!? And these poor innocent men that I'm apparently bullying so much that Thier threatening to leave the company if I attempt to instruct them on how to do something in a more effective way or how they should do a certain task in relation to their station...

So her overall solution was to take my keys that I EARNED 2 years before she got here because of someone's complaint and so that I "don't has so much responsibility and I can just focus on being the cook" so things should be easier on me...right? 

👤 Wrong- this has honestly just ruined everything for me. Yes Thier just keys but they ARE MY KEYS. The keys of the 2nd in charge of my unit that at one point I was the first even if it was temporary. I RAN THIS SHIT BY MYSELF before you even got here...and your taking my pride and pretty much spitting at my face because this dude said I was being mean and difficult because I was groaned in his general direction because he was being dumbass and couldn't find a box that I clearly pointed out to him AFTER I stopped DOING MY JOB to go point out for him?? 

But I'm the bad guy, the villain, the petty bitch?? I wasn't...not then even if I joked abour being petty I never actually did anything...it was all talk...

But now everything is in shambles- AND I mean...

EVERYTHING....

I am now currently at the point to where I am ready to walk out because he's been put on a pedestal while I'm left to figure it all out with no effort or help from her. She's barely even listening to me when I tell him I need her to order things for me for me to actually do my job, and that's her job your the paper bitch...you order the products, keep track or said products and do the damn paper, keep track of the money.....that's HER job...

My job is (or was-) to run the kitchen, cook up my shit, don't get anyone sick, be clean, maintain a clean and organized work station. (which U do even if SHE doesn't think so. I've passed 3 health inspections if I was doing wrong my license woulda been gone by now) 

She's thrown what I thought woulda been a good work relationship between both of the higher employees of this unit out the window for the favor one 1 employee who's job is table scraps at best..yesthier option is popular by MY food is what's advertised it's on the menu and ya know there for....it's the most important????????

To end that segment- I hate my job and I'm planning to quit as soon as I find literally anything the fuck ELSE..if she thought I was being petty before wait until I serve you my 2 weeks notice..then you'll really be fucked...hmhm ❤️

Also while all this was happening I was in a relationship for just shy of 2 years with that close friend of mine that I mentioned before...? He recently ended his own life...and there was a lot more too that particular portion but I'm not gonna get into...but I had also found out that he was sexting someone else... because of our lack of intimacy...and I broke up with him ..

2 days later...he was gone....

So here I am...still living with who we're going to be ( but still accept me) my folks in law..theyve gotten so attached to me and I then even if they annoy me sometimes that's kinda what parents do- they haven't changed anything. They aren't forcing me to leave I can stay as long as I like..if I keep paying rent lol 

I never told them that I found out he cheated..I feel like that would just screw up everything and maybe it's selfish of me to keep it from them but wouldn't they then owe it to me for staying despite knowing even if it was close to the end? 

I was so upset with him...I was only angry...so frustrated, I read the messages, saw the pictures, took screenshots...bounced it all over the walls of my mind hundreds of millions of times wondering why or how he could have done something like that me when I've only ever been good to him....

I stayed with him through his trouble finding work, his last couple of years of his military service, I went to events with him, invited and PAID for him to come along with me on adventures out of town, brought him to parties I hosted, loved him as best I could supported him in pretty much anyway I could think of...but I suppose I started seeing him as less and less of a man.  At some point and that's why I just couldn't get excited enough for sex...

Yes he was sweet, yes he was thoughtful, yes he could and did cook, yes he drove...

But no he didn't gifts, he didn't align with my love language or accomidate the way I WANTED to be loved, No he didn't take me out or plan dates at him eas often as I would have liked, NO he did not do what I did and organize trips for us, or plan spontaneous activities for us to do together...it was all me...and I started to wonder why I was even with him to begin with...

I did love him, I do love him..he was my world and I held him at an absolute gold standard above any other man I'd dated before..he lied to me...when he said I was his world and that he he wanted to marry me...that I WAS the most beautiful women he'd ever met in his life he said that to her too....

He gave me a promise ring and just kept feeding me more and more lies...

Trips, nice parties, gifts, the life I deserved....just to keep everything for himself and give me scraps when I just about spent whatever I could on him by comparison...

It's only been slightly over a month since he's been gone..and I've only seen him twice since it happened...I've grown cold...

I can't forgive him...not just for the betrayal but for the lies...I can't tolerate liars...I hate them hate them hate them....so so much....I can't even bring myself to lie...to someone I love I'm always honest...and I was hinest with him..he knew what I expected, what I wanted from him HE KNEW and he still just...choose to do something else...

I don't wanna say I'm glad he's gone...but I'm glad that I at least in my own way got to say goodbye to my husband...even if we never actually got there...

I'm grieving and I hate it...I hate him for lying, I hate her for just everything...but...I hate myself too...

I don't wanna die...but...I feel like it sometimes...I need to see this existance through to the end...If I can I wanna see my daddy pass from old age...I want to cry for him when we his time comes....I want to carry him with me forever and never let him go...not the other way around...

I would never put my daddy through what he put his parents, his brother, his friends and me through...

I AM NOT THAT WEAK....I REFUSE TO DIE UNTIL I'm ready...the universe is gonna persist and so will I....

I'll keep going...not even for him...but for me...because I deserve to live the life I want and well.... apparently only I can really make it happen...

Funny huh younger me? Did we say who needs men? And even years later it seems to boil down to just us...maybe we really are just better alone...huh? 

Whenever we see each other again, when you read this...just know that I love you more anything then anyone...to ever live...even more then our own dad...

We are so powerful, beautiful and complicated in our own special way and I love you for being you...and no matter what.. you'll always have my support til the very end...So cry if you need to, scream if you need to...just please ..promise me you'll come back  ok? 

Please...promise you'll come back...I need you to keep going..

No matter what...

I love you ❤️✨