Early thoughts..

 I know majority of us have moved onto bigger and better things by now and I expect pretty much no one to ever read these...but I just had my Ryze and I'm listening to this song tilted come along with me..it has no actual lyrics because it's a song made for a mod- for a game called Fnf or Friday night Funkin'. 

anyway- I'm alittle too in my own thoughts and I've been meaning to write much earlier this week but I can't say I was too busy (I was) I honestly just didn't make time. But I did tell myself I was gonna write  something I didn't know what and here I forgot I have a whole ass online diary I can write on. I dunno if I ever mentioned that I have a youtube but I do..it's alright I mostly do it for fun because it's definitely not making me any extra income but I realized that's something I need to work on myself. I technically have alot of games I have yet to finish on my channel that I wasn't sure if anyone was all that interested in seeing so I stopped. 

but that's my issue- I never made this channel with anyone else in mind. I made it for me and people I care about. Something for them to have of me once I'm gone. Doing things I love and having a good time or just expressing myself- 

I've been thinking more and more about what my channel really stands for recently and I need to take it back to my roots. I'm gonna post whatever I want because if people like me for mw they'll stay and want to see more. I don't play the game kinda games everybody and thier mama's fucking play online- I'm not apart of some huge ass machine that likes or does the same things as anyone else. 

I am my own person- and Even if I'm still sorta mad at him for what he did- I won't deny that I miss him. *starts tearing up thinking about him* I'm pretty sure my folks in law wanna go see him today and part of me really doesn't want too. I've faced reality, I've cried my tears for the most part, There's nothing else I could or really want to say to him. I can only love him from a far because he's somewhere I couldn't even imagine because his idea of complete peace and tranquility would be 100% different from what I would consider to be the same thing. To be it wouldn't be such a light place, sure it'd have light elements or whatever but I'm not a light kinda person, I've always gravitated toward darker things as I got older. it's just what brings me comfort. even right now as I'm writing this the only light sources are this keyboard and my christmas lights. 

Sorry I had to take a take a quick break from writing to cry and just listen to this song- The same song from earlier. Alot of songs I find these days make me think of him and I wish they didn't but I do miss him and it's just like rolling a ball through a tube that leads in a circle I see or listen to something I want him to see or hear it..But he can't- I want to share it so badly...but no one relatively likes the same things I do....I feel alone even inna room filled with people that care for me and about me...just like he did...I think about myself the very core of who I am...what am I? what will I become? I take my own life too at some point? I don't want too but this life hasn't been the most kind to me..

I gave me a terrible mother, it took one of my Sisters from me, it took my grandma from me, then it decided to take some of my uncles and then it took my mom...and then it decided to take one of the absolute closest people to me that've had stuck to my hip every single day for 2 years....I fucking hate this, I hate life, I hate everyone...I hate him for making me feel this way...I don't wanna feel anything anymore...but I still want all the while...

I want so so much to live the life he promised me...I want to live to see the places I've always dreamed of going too so matter how fucking afraid I am of flying on a plane.  I owe it to my younger self to travel and see Japan even if it's only once and for a few days..

I WANT TO GO..

I'd like to make my dad a grandpa at some point in my life, I don't wanna see my dad die, I don't want to die before him either, I don't want anyone else close to me to die..ever...if they do I'd rather us all go together...so I don't have to mourn anyone else...

but that's just not realistic..I have to be real because this my life, these choices are mine.. I have to change things even if I'm not at all motivated to fucking do anything but go through my same stupid draining daily routine. 

I started small...this new coffee is my start I'm on day 6 of having 1 cup every single morning and listening to affirmations while I get ready for work. Next I'll do my best to incorporate more movement either by game running with my ring fit or by some kinda yoga something easy because I'm just not built for movement like I use to be..but that's my own fault.

On my 30th birthday I'm gonna marry myself and I'll live the rest of my days beside myself, with myself only...because I'm all I need anyway..no matter how hard it gets..how dark it becomes I'll pull myself back and we'll keep going. I owe it to myself even if I don't become the artist I wanted to be or even the writer....I will become someone my younger self would have loved to meet and become friends with. 

Someone she could turn too when things got hard and alls she wanted to was cry, someone would hold her and guide her through those rough times help her get back on track.

I'm here for you sweetpea, I love you soo much. 

I love ya'll too even I don't say it...I do and I mean it. 

I promise I'll be back again before the year ends..