Why do I feel like I'm regressing?

 Well now it's been what 3ish years? And I'm definitely not typing this out because you know in this high-tech technological age that we live in everything can be so easy and hands-free. So I'm doing text to speech lol, it is currently 706 a.m. and I am unemployed because that's stupid job that I had that I had complained about 6 years ago? Is finally reached its end not in a way that was optimal for me but it happened and I'm free from it regardless. I really wish it could have been more so on my terms but it was also my fault that it ended the way it did anyway because despite my darker outlook on life and how people are at their core. I still decided to think that it was a good idea to trust another person with some information and they decided that sharing that information with another person was a good idea and looking back on it it was definitely motivated by some unexplained reason because I was under the impression that this person was fine with me we had never argued or gotten into any sort of like weird little argument or anything of the sort. In fact this person was encouraging me to not be so grouchy and prickly albeit in a playful manner and to be honest I did find myself relaxing around her and I may or may not have chalk that up to that being like a Capricorn chemistry because we did happen to share in astrology sign. And that was my mistake because regardless of the sign she was still just a person and people are not worthy of my trust I cannot trust people outside of my circle but I decided to just say fuck it and why not you know like oh she's never done anything to me she's pretty much just been cool like sure she's not super helpful to me in particular at the job she's kind of being super friendly to everybody but she also doesn't get in my way so you know whatever why not. 

THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE AND I'M REGRETTING IT I'M REGRETTING IT I'M REGRETTING IT I'M REGRETTING IT I'M REGRETTING IT SO MUCH. I've always known not to trust people that were too friendly because there had to be some sort of ulterior motive but I don't know for the sake of just being a little more personable I guess I decided to let my guard down and trust this person and it inevitably cost me my job it cost me these past 6 years of hard work, it cost me my income it's cost me a lot of things. But I suppose I could also thank this person because without this rug pull I may have just been stuck in this stupid toxic cycle for who knows how much longer it probably could have been another for years and I know it would have been with this weird company for a decade and although I'm still a bit beside myself because I don't have any income currently because that was my only source and now I have nothing at least I had my own regular amount of know-how to you know not spend all my money willy-nilly and leave myself with practically nothing. Despite just going out of town for a weekend to celebrate my 31st birthday by myself and then the very next weekend after returning from said trip going out and partying with friends for the weekend directly after to celebrate with my peeps I still have a decent amount of money in my account to keep me afloat so that way I'm not completely bummed the hell out but it's fine..... 

I was never upset about losing the job I'm definitely just upset at the lack of money, because after I got moved from my first location I stopped caring about the job itself because everything I had ever known and been comfortable with had already been like tossed and mixed up anyway like I knew that there wasn't anyone around me that I could trust and even more so after I was moved to my second location it was proven to still be true because I'd moved to a place where I'd known one person that worked at my first location previously and you know they had never done anything to me there rather nice personable blah blah blah and then you know they had gotten in advancement and their their title or whatever they became a manager blah blah I get to their location and now they're acting brand new and I'm like oh okay well you've definitely switched the hell up so I don't trust you anymore either I get close to the cook they seemed cool at first too and then they started switching up I was like all right well you're fucking done too can't trust you either and I just kept my distance from everybody until eventually we got some actual new hires in that damn place and I made the mistake of trusting them they'd been there for like 2 months kept my distance at first cuz I'm just like yeah he probably won't last very long blah blah blah and then they're kind of you know slither in their way up to me not really kissing my ass or anything but just being nice and I'm still a big softy honestly and someone sort of going out of their way to like talk to me and not pester me when I'm working I appreciate so you know and yeah I got fucking bamboozled lol

Long story short it involved and yeah this will be a little bit of whiplash because I should probably be sleeping but I woke up and I'm not going to want to go back to sleep so I'm just going to word vomit as one does when it's way too early in the day morning. 

So yeah the whole straw that broke the camel's back was me recording an audio message at work me asking someone for their opinion mostly because I was venting mistake number one I should have just kept it within my circle ran into the peeps about it and you know just water off a duck's back just say f*** it whatever Go on about my day I thought that it would have been safe to confide in this person who was from what I thought was trying to be friends with me and of course they use that as cannon fodder to stab me in the back. so during said recording I was pretty much talked to and rather hostile manner by someone in a higher spot than me within this dumbass company and normally I would have been a little more prickly about defending myself in this situation but I was mostly just exhausted and just wondering why I even needed to do this to begin with so I'm just asking questions and they're not really answering my questions they're just speaking to me in a very my way or the highway type of like fashion and while they don't use any profanity their tone is extremely hostile and anyone else listening to this recording it wouldn't sound very good for them honestly because you don't have to make yourself sound bad just by using profanity your tone alone can be enough to make you seem like an asshole. 

So they told me I have to go to another location and I'm like and this happened the day I got back after my weekend that I was celebrating my birthday we just gotten back from Christmas break that Monday I had taken the first two days after Christmas break off way back in November I put those days in because obviously I know when my birthday is and I'm not working on my birthday My birthday was on a Monday so I had called out for my birthday and the day after in November put them in they were approved blah blah blah she didn't mention anything about the days I called out but I'm guessing that she wasn't in office earlier in the week and she thought that I just been there all week already and she's like oh I need you to go to this location and I'm like this is my first day back like I wasn't here yesterday or Monday so like what's going on like why do you want me to go to this other location and we just had a bunch of people call out and our manager here is in and out of work because she freaking bonked herself on the head and has a concussion so she'll be here for maybe 2 hours and then all of a sudden she's having a faintness bout and she'll need to go home which I'm pretty sure is bad because why are you driving if you have a concussion and you're feeling faint? But at that point I feel like you're making it up because anybody who's feeling faint enough to where they can't perform their job duties and they need to go home why the f*** are you trying to force yourself to drive? Like are you trying to end your own life or the life of others because that doesn't seem very safe? But you know what the hell do I know I've never had an actual real and I've been in the hospital for 3-5 days type of concussion I've gotten a very light concussion in the past before but it was never to that severity I suppose so whatever. 

Fast forward to that Friday because I talked to this person that Wednesday and they're like well let me know blah blah blah and I was like well I'm definitely taking my time to think about it because at that point I'm thinking I have a choice on whether or not I can say yes or no so I wait until after my shift is over I'm still clocked in because she said oh come see me before you leave on Friday let me know what you want to do blah blah and you know I can't stop during my shift because there's way too much the f*** to do so I go to her office or whatever she's not in her office she's out in the cafeteria talking to other employees that I guess are new hires or their people that are also being moved to other locations I don't know don't care and out of my business she's talking to them, and you know I'm just standing there waiting I'm still clocked in because I need to talk to you about something work-related and I'm not staying after on my own personal time to talk to you about this so.... I wait for her to make a moment for me because if she would have taken any longer I would have just said f*** it and just not mention it again and just came back to my regular location on Monday because if I came to talk to you about it and you didn't make time to speak with me about it then the answer is no. 

Anyway she gets up and she's like yeah come on come on come talk to me blah blah so she goes her office to get some papers for these other chicks or whatever and I bring it up and she's like I really wish that you wouldn't have waited until the end of the week to get back to me on this and in my head I'm like well you wanted me to give you an answer right away The answer that I would have given you immediately would have been f****** no you wanted me to think about it and so I took two full days to think about it even if it's temporary my location needs me so why would I be why would I willingly want to go somewhere else and she's like well at this point you don't have a choice you you're going to this other location and in my head I'm like bro what the f*** do you mean I don't have a choice I'm like I don't have the I don't have the extra money to be going somewhere this further the f*** away like are you not aware that I like I know you know that I don't drive and despite that I can still get to work regardless on time but why why are you trying to force me to pay more out of pocket to get to a location that I don't belong at the supposedly quote unquote needs help and she's like well she just shrugs doesn't really say too much about it it's just like well that's just too damn bad You're going there and that's that and I'm pretty taken aback by it cuz I'm just like so why did you even try to pose this as a question if you were just going to force me to go there anyway like what was the point. And she's like well I don't really know what to tell you they need help over there and you're you're just going over there point blank. And at this point I'm kind of just I'm speechless because I'm like so what the f*** was you bringing this up to me on Wednesday even for and I'm trying to ask for more specifics like what you said that I'd be over there just work just helping for a month or whatever so am I only going to be there for 30 days because that's not something I can support long-term she's like well nothing's written in stone nothing's ever written in stone and hey you might like it there and blah blah blah and this that in the third and I'm just like I'm definitely not because that's not my location why are you trying to just randomly send me all over the place like I don't feel like moving locations again like if it has something to do with some sort of internal conflict I've only been back after Christmas vacation at this point for 3 days came back on Wednesday work Thursday worked Friday we're having this conversation on a Friday I wasn't there on Monday I wasn't there on Tuesday I was out. So whatever little weird story they came up with when I wasn't there Monday and Tuesday like I don't know but I'm guessing that there was some sort of discussion that happened while I wasn't there involving me where I couldn't defend myself and everybody just decided to unanimously make a choice because oh we're fully staffed at this location after welcoming into new people but you know it's it's whatever 

Go over to this other location it's extremely chill there are and I'm not exaggerating there are people everywhere I've never seen this many people work in the one location before they didn't need help so she just forced me over here for no reason that was the first thing that came to my mind and they already have systems in place it's rather chill which should have which should have been nicer for me but to keep it a bucket stressed me the f*** out because there was already a system in place and it wasn't just a free-for-all for the most part I couldn't really find my footing because there weren't any problems for me to solve and I'm not used to there not being things for me to situate and like fix for the most part I'm so used to trying to fix and keep things afloat within this company that me going to a place where things are already sort of smoothed out and good it threw me the f*** off I didn't really have to do that much while I was there what should have helped me relax and chill but it didn't it was the exact opposite, I was doing pretty much what I was doing at my previous location but ever so slightly different cuz I'm using different containers blah blah blah and I'm like well this isn't so bad I just got to do you know the sheet keep track of my stuff do what I'm doing and you know that's that I'm barely cleaning because they have people for that not doing any dishes because I have people for that I'm literally just doing this one particular task trying to draw it out as long as like physically possible and it's extremely hard because I don't screw around when I'm working like I do my work I get it completed and then I move on to something else but there wasn't really anything else for me to move on to I really only had to do that one particular thing and that was just my tasks for the day and I'm not used to it being so cut and dry without a system that I put in place myself like it it was seriously stressing me out and it shouldn't have That's the dumb part. 

And I work there for the week pretty much and then chick I talked to before comes in our Friday it's the end of the day and I hear her somewhere in the kitchen because her voice is unmistakable it's it's very distinct if you've heard it once you could recognize it anywhere and I'm like hmm that's a little weird what is she doing here was she coming to check to see if I actually showed up here? Nah cuz if she wanted to do that she could have just called over she doesn't leave her office unless she absolutely needs to right and already I was already sketched out at the fact that she was physically here because whatever she would have had questions about she would have called over for because the person running this location used to be in her little posse or whatever and I'm guessing that she dropped out because she got tired of dealing with whatever b******* they were doing and decided that she just wanted to be a regular manager at a normal location so I already know that they're still in cahoots with each other but I'm keeping my head down keeping quiet not talking to anybody just doing what she asked me to do and keeping to like a particular corner and just minding my f****** business 

So here she comes walking out I'm counting out my stuff it's the end of the day getting ready to do the paperwork so that way I can hand it in and go you know b******* off and do something for like the last 30ish minutes of my shifter whatever and here she comes out hey I need you to come talk to me real quick and blah blah and that's another and I immediately on edge cuz I'm like bro what is there to talk about I haven't talked to anybody in here I haven't been late I came here like you asked me to what the f*** would we have to talk about there's no sort of discussion that we need to have and at first I'm kind of just like maybe she's talking to somebody else let me just stand here for a second finish what I'm writing and then you know I'll go see whatever the f*** she wants and she's not alone mind you she's with two of her little hench men or whatever and I'm like this is extremely familiar because this same sort of scenario happened at my original location when they wanted to have a little sit-down with me to quote on quote mediate how I was communicating with my newly appointed manager at my original location because she came in with some sort of weird attitude never liked me from the start when she was just pointing out all these things that were wrong when she walked through the door but none of these things were wrong or dirty or disgusting prior to her arrival but as soon as she stepped through the door it was probably a pig sty despite the location not failing a health inspection in the past 3 years but to her it was disgusting and they just took that as law but anyway back to the point-

You know I walk over to the table and she say oh you know just just relax take a seat blah blah blah and it's not that I'm nervous but I'm annoyed because I'm being interrupted cuz I was already doing something I'm trying to finish my paperwork so I can chill maybe grab a little something to munch on before I leave and relax so I can go home relax these little extra these little days 2 days we got off coming up and you know just go on about my business she slides her phone over to the table and she puts this paper on the table and I hear the recording that I had sent to that coworker the recording that I had made myself but she's playing it all fast forward or whatever and I kind of just close my eyes and I was like s*** so that's what she's f****** here for okay... So I'm kind of just sitting there bouncing around an idea in my head wondering all right you want to talk about the recording it's not like I'm saying anything bad in the recording I'm literally just asking you questions and you're talking at me not really to me in the recording and more so towards the end you can hear my frustration but obviously I'm not still in the room with her and I'm like yeah it's f*** this s*** whatever and you know I'm on my way out the door and then I stopped the recording now she's like so what's going on with this and I'm just like what about it like he's like why did you record this blah blah blah 

I'm just like well I recorded it from a personal records and then one of her little lackies is like piping up real quick because of course she needs to be the center of attention for like 2 seconds if you recorded it for your personal records then why did you send it to another employee and then little ring leaders like puts her hand up like that's enough lackey I can take it from here and then turns back to me with this feigned angry expression or whatever so yeah if it was for your personal records why did you do that why did you record it at all you know I could press charges for you recording me without my consent and blah blah blah blah and I'm just like I kind of shrugged because what do you want me to say about that I told you my reason as to why they're recording exists and ask for the reason that I sent it to another person that's none of your business and just tell me what the f*** you want so you can get out my face and she's like well you broke company policy you broke my trust you broke the company's trust that has nothing to do with the company it has everything to do with you the individual but sure I was definitely just going to believe that because you know that's how you're trying to spin it and she's like well since I can't trust you I'm going to need your ID and your fired effective immediately and I'm just sitting there like oh okay... Because anything at that point there's no real reason to say anything because nothing I say is going to reverse anything it's not going to make the recording disappear it's not going to make her look like less of a dick in the recording it's not going to make me delete the recording it's not going to make me sign anything no non-disclosure agreement no no special printed out paperwork nothing just I don't like that you recorded me it's such a big deal and I'm so upset I'm so hurt that you did this so you're fired okay since we're going on personal feelings for this or whatever 

I don't say anything like my eyes don't feel hot I kind of just feel numb at that point and they're all just staring at me waiting for some sort of reaction but I'm just like I'm annoyed cuz I'm just like bro you really interrupting me for this and she's like and don't worry I'll clock you out and I don't say anything still because what is there to say I don't really say anything and take my little beat up ID that I never got updated off my string chain that I had it on put it on the table stand up and they're all still turning and watching me like some f****** what are those statues called weeping angels like they're just standing there watching me like maybe like I feel like they were seriously expecting me to like crash the f*** out and start like destroying s*** or something because of course I'm black I have to make a big deal about everything right but no took it off my ID put it on the table stood up went over to where I was just working at grabbed my papers grabbed my stuff out of my drawer at my register grabbed my personal belongings put my unfinished papers and what's her name's office went to my locker put my stuff in my locker didn't see anything to anybody on my way out the door and I left and I'm like well I have personal belongings at my previous school so I need to go get those too I was going to get those at the end of the day regardless because I had a weird feeling in the base of my spine that whole week that something weird was going to happen and obviously it rang true so you know I kind of just walked over there it took me like 30 f****** minutes 

I get to my previous school and one of the lackies answers the door or whatever and she's looking at me like what the hell are you doing here, and I'm like looking at her like you know why the hell I'm here why are you even asking me that I didn't come here for no reason to try and beg for my job back I need my stuff out my locker and she kind of looks behind her for a second like like she's trying to find somebody to tell her no don't let her until the building you can't withhold my personal property so either you take everything out that locker and bring it to me at the door since I'm no longer authorized to be within the building because I no longer work for the company and or you let me in I grab my s*** and I leave so she kind of like size and she's like okay whatever fine come on so I go to the locker room open my locker and get my stuff out my locker and of course she's standing just outside the door where her arms crossed watching me like all right?? What the f*** are you standing behind me watching me for are you still waiting for some sort of reaction like bro I had my whole grapes and rant situation on the walk over here I am completely numb to this f****** place I would not care of any of y'all got hit by a car if somebody popped you all tires if you weren't able to get home tonight or whatever the f*** I literally would not f****** care I don't give a s*** about this company anymore I don't give a s*** about any of you as individuals You're literally less than dirt beneath my f****** shoe even more so than you were already because the way you went about this but it was definitely a flaw a trap of my own design did ended up just snapping on me so you know it was my own fault at the end of the day and sure there may have been a way for this to have been maybe not rectified but for this situation to have been handled differently but I know that any sort of avenue to keep me on was never going to be considered because I've been public enemy number one for the past 4 years anyway because I refuse to fit into this mold that they were constantly trying to force me into and I never had any sort of problem I've never had any sort of large problem with my work getting done My work was always my crowning achievement they could never say that I never did my work or that my work was not good 

Because if I was able to run a unit effectively by myself without having to call on any of them and then coming to another location and practically holding it down as well because the manager is neglectful not very helpful doesn't do very much at all and most of the other employees are incompetent and or they just don't do all that much I always went above and beyond constantly supporting the manager despite the way she treats me helping to cook despite how lazy and incompetent she was even though you quote unquote wanted me to learn from her which didn't make f****** sense but you know whatever you could never say that my work wasn't good and any sort of issues they ever had was literally them nitpicking over extremely small petty things but you know it's it's whatever it doesn't matter... The situation is kaput is done and over with it's been maybe a week and 2 days or technically 3 days now because my last day with that company was on the 15th was a Thursday it was right before Martin Luther King Jr day which I find even more crazy actually 

But you know what's even like weirder to be honest when I'm think when I was thinking about it at first this issue this this world shattering revelation that she came up with it wasn't so urgent that she had to bring it up at the beginning of the week of me being at this new location she brought it up at the very end of the week after she had gotten a week's worth of work out of me maybe that was her way of being being nice maybe? Maybe she thought she was being gracious cuz she definitely had to had to try and flap her cape and try to paint herself as as some as some savior oh I feel like I've always been more than fair with you and and blah blah blah and I can't believe you'd betray my trust and that's done a third you know I don't like I was besmirching your name online or talking s*** about you I didn't say anything of a sort I was expressing my displeasure with the fact that you were forcing me to go somewhere I didn't want to go which as an American citizen regardless of whether I recorded you without your consent or not I'm perfectly legally allowed to do I can complain about whatever the f*** I want with whoever the f*** I want whether I'm using a recording or not and the only reason that you're upset about this is because it makes you look bad. And you had all week to stew on these feelings about this recording but you decided that you didn't want to handle it immediately on Monday you wanted to wait until the end of the week and then you want to spring it on me- you didn't have the balls to come to me right after you found out you didn't give me a phone call you didn't you didn't give me an email like you didn't say anything to me you were radio silent until the end of the day on Thursday then you decided you wanted to play you know big men on campus and you know you going to throw your weight around come in here and try to make a big spectacle of letting me go at the end of the day like you're doing me a favor like okay??? It's completely fine like I hated being here anyway and the only real I can't think of the word The only real thing I will miss is my work husband RC cola and my one younger co-worker she was pretty fun and you know like she she herself was a character and honestly I feel like I don't know I feel like she was the only actual real person in there and she was even younger than me like she was the actual youngest and our unit and I was like second youngest because I'm in my early thirties but she literally just turned 19 and she was like a student worker at first or whatever when I first got to that location like she was in her last year at high school working through their little program or whatever 

You still text me sometimes but I'm kind of just over it for the most part but I'll still text her back, it's I don't know I'm not salty about it because I would never work for a company like that ever the f*** again and the fact that you allow your higher ups to bully your employees, and or that you let people get away with all of this lazy backstabbing type attitudes but you still and everybody to play and be super nice and and welcoming and hand holding and ass kissy and all this other stuff like but you want to you want to have some sort of special feelings about someone who doesn't want to participate in any of that. You're offended and upset that someone doesn't want to act the way everyone else is acting that they just want to be left alone to get their work done that they don't want a socialize they don't want a Kiki and haha with everybody else around them they just want to get their work done and go home they're treating it strictly as a job that that offends you so much that bothers you so much that you have to make up reasons to start little petty arguments to pull them into the office to try and knock them down a peg by talking about their personality or tell them that they're too mean or that they're to this or that they're to that and you just expect them to you know snap like a rubber band to what it is that you want them to do, that's not how that works at all you should never feel entitled enough to how another person works to try and demand that they act a certain way. Now if I was being outwardly hostile and rude and I'm just drawing company property and you know like I'm berating my coworkers and I'm just like practically being borderline a criminal at work That's completely fine at that point yes absolutely get me the f*** out of there but if I'm just asking to be left alone and that I'm ignoring you when you're trying to make small talk with me and you're taking that as me being hostile so you decide that you want to try and go out of your way to make things more difficult for me it just it just comes off as weird at the very least it just comes off as f****** weird but uhh

That's been my most recent event, I've been applying to a couple of places and I'm trying my utmost to not be too picky and I'm also trying to not do anything else that's food related because I'm just not interested in food anymore this company is completely made me lose my spark for enjoying cooking and I would really honestly just rather stay the hell away from it. And if for whatever reason I ever see any of these people that I used to work with knowing what I know now that after I had gotten moved my younger coworker I'd asked her like a million and one questions I was like that anybody even say anything or did anybody ask why I wasn't there blah blah blah I was told that one person was given a reason as to why I was no longer there and it was quote-unquote because of my attitude and I'm not sure how I could have an attitude when I don't talk to anyone I don't really socialize and because I don't really socialize that means I have an attitude? I would I was under the impression that having an attitude would mean that you're being outwardly rude and mean to the people around you but if you're not communicating at all how does that come off as having an attitude? You know what I mean like that kind of strikes me as odd but sure that's the only real reason they could give and apparently none of these so-called people I work with no one said anything to defend me or try to stick up for me at all everybody apparently just stayed quiet and just went on about their day so if I see any of them out in reality once everything goes back to being more stable not only am I not acknowledging you at all but I will legitimately be hostile towards you because why the f*** do you think it's okay to talk to me after you turned your back on me at work and sure you don't owe me anything because we are effectively strangers we're just people that worked in the same location or whatever for the same company blah blah blah you know me anything but at the same time everybody knows what my work ethic was like everyone knows how reliable I was for this undeserving company everybody knows how I was at my core how I am as a person and the fact that you couldn't even say two words to try to defend my character says a lot more about you all than it does about me so don't even attempt to try and be all buddy buddy and friendly with me if you see me outside of work or outside of your job because it's no longer mine because there is nothing at all for us to talk about when I look at you I would only see that you are someone that turn their back on me when you could have said something that may have that may have maybe swayed somebody's judgment to get me back in my location but you had decided that you wanted to turn your back on me and not even not even attempt to defend me at all but then if I were there you'd want to you'd want to try and chit chat with me and pretend to be cool and everything else though but when it comes to actually doing something that would be a little more worthwhile that possibly could have helped me you just clammed the hell up....

So it's whatever I've been applying to some places it's currently Monday like I said earlier it's practically 8:00 now 8:00 a.m. and I think I'm going to go make some waffles or something I need to wash my face so I might even have to shovel a little bit of snow later or something cuz it snowed a decent amount but I don't think we have any salt so yeah I'm going to have to maybe just go grab some things and stuff later but I'll think about that one time comes I need some food 

Might come back to fill this in later on some other things some other not so recent events maybe maybe just more feelings in general outside of this whole work situation cuz the more I dwell on it the more annoyed I get so I'm probably just think and talk about something else later after I have some food so uhhh....... Oh maybe check back in later and I absolutely promise it won't be another like 8 years before I say something else...

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Well this as late as it gets...

    Well Hi ! Well I woke up late as hell after a fun evening yesterday and of course, despite barely leaving the house I ended up sick with something that's got half my throat puffed up like I inhaled something werid. So yeah I'm sick partly, I got 2 days left of my Christmas break aaaand I'm thinking about how I want things to be different. So I'm going to, I have too. I can't keep waiting around, I'm mad at myself for not taking my life more seriously until now.

but at the same time, I'm grateful that I didn't make too many mistakes.  I have an alright amount of money in my checking account even if I don't have a savings. I have a roof over my head even if it was just an extended courtesy of my folks in law because of what happened. I pay a very a low amount of rent and I have people that check in on me to make sure I've eaten and make sure that I don't feel too lonely. 

I am grateful for my friends that support me from the back behind I do need it even if I want to just be left alone and just do it all by myself, it just goes against the way my world works. Even in what I would describe as MY perfect world I'd still have my closest friends asking me how I'm feeling and checking in on me or even just saying hi to make sure I'm still here. 

I love them so fucking much- So much that they'd probably think I'm werid. I want to give them the world just to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. Not just because of what happened but because of everything in general. For sticking by me and loving me back in thier own specific ways. 

I love them I love them I love them so so fucking much- I need to call my dad. 

I have too many thoughts swirling around my head right now and I feel my emotions trying to burst out and even though I try to let go so that they can fall over me like thier suppose to I keep swallowing them down even when I'm not trying too. I don't know how to let go of this grip I have on the way my feelings effect my body. I only let the negative through easily, most things positive I fight tooth and nail because I feel as if it's always some well hidden lie and I'd rather it just show it's true intent from the beginning then for me to let it in just for it to hurt me later on. 

and I'm most likely the biggest liar I know- I want everything to be real, true and clear right before me when I myself always hide things. I keep them locked away..I keep it under lock and key in the darkest part of my mind. So deep and dark that I honestly forget about that part of myself. That I'm just a girl that wants the best of everything but I can never seem to figure out how to make it work for myself. 

that I actually am resilient and alot of other things but I refuse to let those things show. A conduit for all the good that everyone probably tells me I am but I just can't...open that box- Hell I can't even reach the box. it feels like it's in an unreachable place. But I'm always hyper aware of what it's doing..whenever it creeks open and let's some of that darkness seep out. Like a bag full of angry little monsters. 

I miss him but at the same time, I don't wanna think about him anymore. But it's just me running away again- I don't want to admit that I miss him the way he use to me feel, the way he'd call me, how he'd tell me it would all be alright. The way he promised me everything. . . and how he told me he loved me for the last time and I said it back angrily because I was mad at him. 

How I wish I could have taken it back, how I wish I would have kissed him and held him so fucking tight before I could never touch him again...ever...

*Cry break* 

anyways...this isn't what I was writing this for. 

*took a small scroll and bathroom break* Totally lost my train of thought- 

Well I missed my Opt to post this on the last day of the year and it is currently 3:19 a.m

I went out to round one It's like this arcade place or whatever I've never been there before It's similar to like a Dave & Buster's but way bigger and I guess the pricing was probably a bit better too for groups It's just I wish they had more games that I liked I still ended up having a really good time.

Had lots of fun laughed a lot didn't have too much to drink I really only had like the one free drink that came with a our group I guess like everyone that came got one free drink a couple of the people you know bought more with their own money I decided to not mostly because I am sick pretty much just having the one for like New Year's sake was enough for me really and we went back to like one of these people's houses for the countdown or whatever Which was also fun and then we all sat and chatted and played this game called buds Roses and thorns? 

Where are you pretty much talk about something good that happened, something else good that happened but has a potential to become something even better or has potential to become bigger and better I guess something like that and then the thorn would be like something bad that's happened to you. Pretty much everyone except for me and I think that super quiet dudes name was Tate or something He kind of just sat and like listened to everyone else but he didn't really say anything at all.

I didn't really want to you know say my piece because first of all I don't really know any of you to only two of you have actually met him in three I just didn't want to talk about that particular thing today because I've already thought about it earlier in the day and I've had my moment for the day about it and I'm not really going to share something like that that's so heavy with people I don't really know The first day meeting them. So I decided to just kind of listen to everyone till their stories and whatnot and you know just vibe with everyone I guess but everybody started tapping out and leaving cuz everyone was getting sleepy which I mean yeah cuz I thought we were probably going to leave maybe around like 1:00 a.m. latest cuz you know be chatting it up shooting the s*** whatever after the countdown n**** it is 3:00 a.m. and now everybody's getting sleepy out baby I wanted to go home- 

But I decided to stick it out just a little bit longer and honestly I ain't got too much break time left so I was like f*** it we ball, I ain't got s*** going on today anyway so might as well just you know get in my social time for the day and you know chop it up or whatever I don't know if the one dude what was his name Morgan or something like that I think probably I don't remember but he was like trying awfully hard to talk to me like a lot and I'm just like hi I guess I'm just kind of I'm kind of just here dude he's like oh you're really cool and blah blah and is that in the third and I'm just like thanks I don't really want to socialize I'm kind of just here as an extra person you know but you know it was cool I had fun but now that I'm home I'm going to probably sit for a bit in the dark and then I'll probably start getting ready for bed or actually I should just go to bed cuz it's late as hell and I got to go to work in 2 days so yeah..

Here's to the new year and to doing my best to make it better than the last 🍻✨

Early thoughts..

 I know majority of us have moved onto bigger and better things by now and I expect pretty much no one to ever read these...but I just had my Ryze and I'm listening to this song tilted come along with me..it has no actual lyrics because it's a song made for a mod- for a game called Fnf or Friday night Funkin'. 

anyway- I'm alittle too in my own thoughts and I've been meaning to write much earlier this week but I can't say I was too busy (I was) I honestly just didn't make time. But I did tell myself I was gonna write  something I didn't know what and here I forgot I have a whole ass online diary I can write on. I dunno if I ever mentioned that I have a youtube but I do..it's alright I mostly do it for fun because it's definitely not making me any extra income but I realized that's something I need to work on myself. I technically have alot of games I have yet to finish on my channel that I wasn't sure if anyone was all that interested in seeing so I stopped. 

but that's my issue- I never made this channel with anyone else in mind. I made it for me and people I care about. Something for them to have of me once I'm gone. Doing things I love and having a good time or just expressing myself- 

I've been thinking more and more about what my channel really stands for recently and I need to take it back to my roots. I'm gonna post whatever I want because if people like me for mw they'll stay and want to see more. I don't play the game kinda games everybody and thier mama's fucking play online- I'm not apart of some huge ass machine that likes or does the same things as anyone else. 

I am my own person- and Even if I'm still sorta mad at him for what he did- I won't deny that I miss him. *starts tearing up thinking about him* I'm pretty sure my folks in law wanna go see him today and part of me really doesn't want too. I've faced reality, I've cried my tears for the most part, There's nothing else I could or really want to say to him. I can only love him from a far because he's somewhere I couldn't even imagine because his idea of complete peace and tranquility would be 100% different from what I would consider to be the same thing. To be it wouldn't be such a light place, sure it'd have light elements or whatever but I'm not a light kinda person, I've always gravitated toward darker things as I got older. it's just what brings me comfort. even right now as I'm writing this the only light sources are this keyboard and my christmas lights. 

Sorry I had to take a take a quick break from writing to cry and just listen to this song- The same song from earlier. Alot of songs I find these days make me think of him and I wish they didn't but I do miss him and it's just like rolling a ball through a tube that leads in a circle I see or listen to something I want him to see or hear it..But he can't- I want to share it so badly...but no one relatively likes the same things I do....I feel alone even inna room filled with people that care for me and about me...just like he did...I think about myself the very core of who I am...what am I? what will I become? I take my own life too at some point? I don't want too but this life hasn't been the most kind to me..

I gave me a terrible mother, it took one of my Sisters from me, it took my grandma from me, then it decided to take some of my uncles and then it took my mom...and then it decided to take one of the absolute closest people to me that've had stuck to my hip every single day for 2 years....I fucking hate this, I hate life, I hate everyone...I hate him for making me feel this way...I don't wanna feel anything anymore...but I still want all the while...

I want so so much to live the life he promised me...I want to live to see the places I've always dreamed of going too so matter how fucking afraid I am of flying on a plane.  I owe it to my younger self to travel and see Japan even if it's only once and for a few days..

I WANT TO GO..

I'd like to make my dad a grandpa at some point in my life, I don't wanna see my dad die, I don't want to die before him either, I don't want anyone else close to me to die..ever...if they do I'd rather us all go together...so I don't have to mourn anyone else...

but that's just not realistic..I have to be real because this my life, these choices are mine.. I have to change things even if I'm not at all motivated to fucking do anything but go through my same stupid draining daily routine. 

I started small...this new coffee is my start I'm on day 6 of having 1 cup every single morning and listening to affirmations while I get ready for work. Next I'll do my best to incorporate more movement either by game running with my ring fit or by some kinda yoga something easy because I'm just not built for movement like I use to be..but that's my own fault.

On my 30th birthday I'm gonna marry myself and I'll live the rest of my days beside myself, with myself only...because I'm all I need anyway..no matter how hard it gets..how dark it becomes I'll pull myself back and we'll keep going. I owe it to myself even if I don't become the artist I wanted to be or even the writer....I will become someone my younger self would have loved to meet and become friends with. 

Someone she could turn too when things got hard and alls she wanted to was cry, someone would hold her and guide her through those rough times help her get back on track.

I'm here for you sweetpea, I love you soo much. 

I love ya'll too even I don't say it...I do and I mean it. 

I promise I'll be back again before the year ends..

I know I know another large break..

I'm not even gonna go through the whole song and dance your get it by now. My will to write fluctuates just like my weight lol.  

Currently. . . I'm uhh not Ina good place despite my circumstances... So I'll just go down the list of important events I can think since my last post was in Jan of last year.

👤 I'm still working for that company that a friend at the time (now ex bf who is no longer associated with the company) got me into. I'm going on 4 years there oddly enough and a lot has happened within the confines of this school. 

❌ I had a racist, sexist gay nigga that was my manager. Honestly I have no opinion about people with different sexual preferences from me it doesn't effect me, put money in my bank account or effect my sleep at night- could literally not give a fuck more. Because I don't 🤷🏾‍♀️ 

Fast forward I work under him like a good little drone starting from the bottom- of course do a good ass job slowly claw my way up be recognized as a good enough employee to take on more work. I was eager yet reluctant but I do it anyway. I get a service safe license (despite the person who's idea it was for me to get it, lying to me about how the higher ups and himself didn't think I was ready to make such a huge step for just being with the company just shy of my 1st year)

I pass the test by barely studying because most of the test was common knowledge- shit I already knew and was doing everyday anyways.

❌ Fast forward 2 more years I'm enduring verbal abuse at work from this dude , get into multiple arguments, got my new boyfriend was also one of my closest friends a job at my school.

He gets cyber stalked by my manager because I made the dumb ass choice to add him as a friend on FB because when I first started I was stupid enough to think we actually got along. (It was all a fucking act because he was fake as SHIT)

he goes out of his way to let him work at my school for just 1 week, compliments him, pretends as if he didn't absolutely hate my fucking guts 100 fold since he was brought to our school. While he was around he barely spoke to me because he was afraid...

I mean he was a big guy with military experience that intimidates the fuckk out of him mostly and only because he was so use to being the only man in our school, most of my co workers even currently are all on the older side.

So him being in the presence of another man he can't flirt or fucking around bothered the fuck out of him

ANYWADES

❌ He continues his digging and reports my bf for lying, berates me once gets officially fired that if I "ever lie to him again he'll fire me" which he actually attempted to do twice but took it back seeing aaaaaaas

1.} I'm in the position directly under him and if I'm not present at work HE is then responsible to get my work done which means he can't sit on his ass and call his mom while on the job, or take smoke breaks or call his so called fiancee or whatever he was to him that particular week 🙄 

2.} He would then be a prime target for a new very very disgruntled bf of mine that he got fired recently that knows exactly where my school is WHAT his car looks like and what time our shifts end..which also has him shitting bricks so hard that 10 to 20 mins before the end of the shift he'd be peeking out his window to check and see if he had arrived to pick me up. Where he would then announce to everyone that was ride had arrived. To which I'd still take my time wait until exactly 2 pm to clock out and leave just to watch him sweat because I looooooved seeing him so fucking on edge..

If he didn't decided to give some random reason as to why he had to "leave early" and beat my bf to living me up he would absolutely wait for us to leave first, watch us through his office window until we got fast enough away for his liking to where he'd finally feel safe enough to leave himself.

And then finally 3.) If he actually did decide to fire I was planning to pull out all the stops to get him put in the hospital for everything he put me through....but luckily I suppose he had some good Karma 

Fast forward abit more I'm still at this school (this is extremely recently) He finally gets reported enough by the teachers, students and Thier parents because of the way he has been talking to the students and staff that he gets transferred out to a different school ! 🥳🎉. 

🤗 I play manager for a short while they try and find a replacement, they send up a temp manager named Kelly who happened to be a new hire. Super cool, actually cool, very down to earth, very dependable and HAS YET to switch up at all. While she was acting manger she changed allot of things at my school with my input and actually made sure everyone respected my work and my work processes.

 1.) No one leaves early until my prep is complete everyone is required to help. And you can only leave early if I give the go ahead. Which was super nice of her and honestly those were my best months with this company to DATE. 

2.) She was truly a gem and always checked in with me and checked on me and actually physically helped if I ended up getting overwhelmed. 🥺 She'd take the load off and make things easier for me.. Which was a surprising change and had never happened before I was literally beside myself with the way I felt so supported by her...I wish she could have stayed with us... But apparently the high school has dibs on her because she's suppose to be the replacement for the long time manager there once she retires go fucking figure 😒 

🙄 Later on once she starts over at the highschool they finally send us our actual new manager this chick named Shawna...since I was so use to things being nice and in my favor when Kelly was still here I was full prayed to throw this job in the trash if this new chick showed any signs of being anything like my last manager. . . I'm abit too old now to be bullied ya know? I can't let someone walk all over me too beat me down with insults...

I no longer tolerate that sort of treatment (side note: which is why right before my last manager got transferred we got into a huge argument that also got his ass beat my own hand. My bf was absolutely livid after I told him about it and of course the little pussy had to "leave early" that particular day after it heated argument. Everyone who was literally in the kitchen at tiny was on my side, even the maintenance guys that were in the kitchen fixing through when we started up said they'd report him and I guess they came through for me in the end )

Fastforward to now to keep it abit brief.

Shawna was nice and cool at first taking a page from Kelly's book- working song side me, checking in with me to make sure what I need is taking care of first and foremost because- well not to toot my own horn or anything but it is the most important thing to the company 2nd only to the paperwork that keeps track of the EVERYTHING ya know? 

We have a small batch of new highers some foreigners that are uhh English limited they get welcomed on me being the nice person I am try to bridge the gap by suggesting ideas to make communication easier everyone.

They get settled into Thier station Thier doing good, doing excellent were all cool here finally I'm at peace again but then this new hire the next year (this year) gets a friend hired and that's when everything changed...

All of a sudden the first new hire has some sort of problem with me and is going out his way to try and paint me as the bad guy to Shawna and she's a fucking ditz let me fucking tell you. She's a an older lady, military experience yadda yaddabut, were BOTH Capricorns and she's got this idea in her head that she has the play the role of peace keeper with everyone at unit although she's doing an ABSOLUTE dick job of it...

Heridea if peace keeping is pulling me into the office for random assessment and adjustments about the way I speak, what I'm wearing which isn't out of dress code btw and how I do my work as well as interacting my fellow co workers. 

I've been painted as difficult, hard to work with, MEAN (all these things are true if you get on my bad side) and that I should LEAD BY EXAMPLE

BY BEING MORE POSITIVE (which is not in my nature- I do NOT fake how I'm feeling) , CHIPPER, AND NICER TO THOSE AROUND ME SO THAT THEY RESPECT ME MORE AND TAKE WHAT I DO MORE SERIOUSLY. 

Which for whatever reason they do not- not even her as a matter of fact and she's been in my position herself before so she knows exactly what it's like to do what I do..

When I voice what the actual issue was I was not heard and instead of complex choose to take his side because she felt as if I was being petty, rude and disfunctional on purpose in order to create chaos....

Which honestly I don't need to even do anything for this place to fall into it- they all make it happen in thier own.

But that's when she started acting differently. She stopped talking to me and pretty much only exclusively talks to everyone else about pretty much everything that she should be talking to ME about because it pretains to MY job tasks and no one else would have a clue...but she's stuck to her guns in being the happy median between my horrific behavior!? And these poor innocent men that I'm apparently bullying so much that Thier threatening to leave the company if I attempt to instruct them on how to do something in a more effective way or how they should do a certain task in relation to their station...

So her overall solution was to take my keys that I EARNED 2 years before she got here because of someone's complaint and so that I "don't has so much responsibility and I can just focus on being the cook" so things should be easier on me...right? 

👤 Wrong- this has honestly just ruined everything for me. Yes Thier just keys but they ARE MY KEYS. The keys of the 2nd in charge of my unit that at one point I was the first even if it was temporary. I RAN THIS SHIT BY MYSELF before you even got here...and your taking my pride and pretty much spitting at my face because this dude said I was being mean and difficult because I was groaned in his general direction because he was being dumbass and couldn't find a box that I clearly pointed out to him AFTER I stopped DOING MY JOB to go point out for him?? 

But I'm the bad guy, the villain, the petty bitch?? I wasn't...not then even if I joked abour being petty I never actually did anything...it was all talk...

But now everything is in shambles- AND I mean...

EVERYTHING....

I am now currently at the point to where I am ready to walk out because he's been put on a pedestal while I'm left to figure it all out with no effort or help from her. She's barely even listening to me when I tell him I need her to order things for me for me to actually do my job, and that's her job your the paper bitch...you order the products, keep track or said products and do the damn paper, keep track of the money.....that's HER job...

My job is (or was-) to run the kitchen, cook up my shit, don't get anyone sick, be clean, maintain a clean and organized work station. (which U do even if SHE doesn't think so. I've passed 3 health inspections if I was doing wrong my license woulda been gone by now) 

She's thrown what I thought woulda been a good work relationship between both of the higher employees of this unit out the window for the favor one 1 employee who's job is table scraps at best..yesthier option is popular by MY food is what's advertised it's on the menu and ya know there for....it's the most important????????

To end that segment- I hate my job and I'm planning to quit as soon as I find literally anything the fuck ELSE..if she thought I was being petty before wait until I serve you my 2 weeks notice..then you'll really be fucked...hmhm ❤️

Also while all this was happening I was in a relationship for just shy of 2 years with that close friend of mine that I mentioned before...? He recently ended his own life...and there was a lot more too that particular portion but I'm not gonna get into...but I had also found out that he was sexting someone else... because of our lack of intimacy...and I broke up with him ..

2 days later...he was gone....

So here I am...still living with who we're going to be ( but still accept me) my folks in law..theyve gotten so attached to me and I then even if they annoy me sometimes that's kinda what parents do- they haven't changed anything. They aren't forcing me to leave I can stay as long as I like..if I keep paying rent lol 

I never told them that I found out he cheated..I feel like that would just screw up everything and maybe it's selfish of me to keep it from them but wouldn't they then owe it to me for staying despite knowing even if it was close to the end? 

I was so upset with him...I was only angry...so frustrated, I read the messages, saw the pictures, took screenshots...bounced it all over the walls of my mind hundreds of millions of times wondering why or how he could have done something like that me when I've only ever been good to him....

I stayed with him through his trouble finding work, his last couple of years of his military service, I went to events with him, invited and PAID for him to come along with me on adventures out of town, brought him to parties I hosted, loved him as best I could supported him in pretty much anyway I could think of...but I suppose I started seeing him as less and less of a man.  At some point and that's why I just couldn't get excited enough for sex...

Yes he was sweet, yes he was thoughtful, yes he could and did cook, yes he drove...

But no he didn't gifts, he didn't align with my love language or accomidate the way I WANTED to be loved, No he didn't take me out or plan dates at him eas often as I would have liked, NO he did not do what I did and organize trips for us, or plan spontaneous activities for us to do together...it was all me...and I started to wonder why I was even with him to begin with...

I did love him, I do love him..he was my world and I held him at an absolute gold standard above any other man I'd dated before..he lied to me...when he said I was his world and that he he wanted to marry me...that I WAS the most beautiful women he'd ever met in his life he said that to her too....

He gave me a promise ring and just kept feeding me more and more lies...

Trips, nice parties, gifts, the life I deserved....just to keep everything for himself and give me scraps when I just about spent whatever I could on him by comparison...

It's only been slightly over a month since he's been gone..and I've only seen him twice since it happened...I've grown cold...

I can't forgive him...not just for the betrayal but for the lies...I can't tolerate liars...I hate them hate them hate them....so so much....I can't even bring myself to lie...to someone I love I'm always honest...and I was hinest with him..he knew what I expected, what I wanted from him HE KNEW and he still just...choose to do something else...

I don't wanna say I'm glad he's gone...but I'm glad that I at least in my own way got to say goodbye to my husband...even if we never actually got there...

I'm grieving and I hate it...I hate him for lying, I hate her for just everything...but...I hate myself too...

I don't wanna die...but...I feel like it sometimes...I need to see this existance through to the end...If I can I wanna see my daddy pass from old age...I want to cry for him when we his time comes....I want to carry him with me forever and never let him go...not the other way around...

I would never put my daddy through what he put his parents, his brother, his friends and me through...

I AM NOT THAT WEAK....I REFUSE TO DIE UNTIL I'm ready...the universe is gonna persist and so will I....

I'll keep going...not even for him...but for me...because I deserve to live the life I want and well.... apparently only I can really make it happen...

Funny huh younger me? Did we say who needs men? And even years later it seems to boil down to just us...maybe we really are just better alone...huh? 

Whenever we see each other again, when you read this...just know that I love you more anything then anyone...to ever live...even more then our own dad...

We are so powerful, beautiful and complicated in our own special way and I love you for being you...and no matter what.. you'll always have my support til the very end...So cry if you need to, scream if you need to...just please ..promise me you'll come back  ok? 

Please...promise you'll come back...I need you to keep going..

No matter what...

I love you ❤️✨

So hey it's 2022 now

 I'm not even gonna go into detail about what the hell I've been doing for the past *checks date book* X amount of years I have practically refused to put anything up here despite being in the mood to write but not really knowing where or what to write about.  Over the past 2 days I've been reading over my terribly cringy and dumb fanfictions and original stories I've posted. Being told they were cringe and that the writing was bad definitely hurt my feelings but after reading them myself I have to admit they are seriously cringe and the writing wasn't the best. I chalk that up to me just being a different person at the time, just wanting to create because I could, and no one could stop me or take that freedom away from me. ANYWAYS My birthday passed recently in case anyone remembered, I've gotten an actual good boyfriend I don't think I'll be able to get rid of (for better or for worse), I've gotten a little of my creative juice back despite all the stress I deal with from my job. 

Seeing as this my dairy blog I won't go into much MORE detail about the stories I want to write but I hope whoever happens to find these entries I hope they are able to help you in some kind of way *Crosses fingers* Hopefully positively <3 I'll leave a link to my other fic blog so you can read my cringe for yourself, I hope you find it funny despite how terrible it was and may still be in the future where ever I decide to drag it. 

Stay safe out there make sure to wash your hands and always pee after sex!!! 

Doff. (bluecreates.blogspot.com)

Almost Christmas time part 2

Alright so I had that interview yesterday It went really well I think. According to my friend that put in  a good word for me, I got those papers to start the clearances because I technically got the job and well I start as soon as all those clearances come back I'll be cleared to start there. So with my final days here at this new found Hellhole I bid a fuck you and another fuck you to everyone I've met minus literally 1 single person I've meet while working for this company. I think I know where he lives and I know his wife oddly enough, her daughter went to high school with me. He's been nothing but decent to me and He isn't like the other person I've talked to since I started working here.

I'll maybe give him a card or something. I'm going to get those clearances done over the next 3 days and I guess I can still try to do my job while I'm here but if I get sent home again over some bullshit I'm probably not gonna waste my time coming back. I almost didn't come in today because of that useless prick sending me home early the other day. *Rolls eyes*

This job isn't going to be the death of me I'm all for never coming back here if and whenever they their gonna let me work so...Whatever I'm just gonna chill, get these clearances situated and peace the ever loving fuck outta this dumbass store and away from these dumb ass people.

Surprising short although I've been writing this one all day too
have a good weekend you guys, I know I'm gonna c;

It's almost Christmas time

Hey Guys it's been another hard couple of months, and I know the few of you that still swing by every now and then to read whatever I post might have been wondering what happened to me. Well for starts the toxic ass job I had is now gone and I started at another place that I've been apart of for for just about 5 years now, I'm pretty damn loyal to this company so I figured why not go out on a limb and attempt to work for them. IT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES I'VE MADE ALL YEAR!! This place is filled with so many incompetent people be it normal employees or even management. These fools barely know what the hell is going on half the damn time and no one knows how to properly relay information. Or for whatever reason answer a few easy ass questions someone who's been working for the place more then a year should definitely know the answer too.


I'm gonna walk you through my first month being at this place. I was working at a store on a computer for about 6 days a week purely learning systems that now that I'm out of pc training are completely and utterly useless during the normal job. I was "learning" systems about a partner companies systems that I have never seen before outside of those training programs. It was complete waste of my time even if I was getting trained to learn FUCK ALL.  Fast forward to the day I finish my pc training and I go to my assigned store, I have no issues with people who are different  from me but the people in my assigned store (Aside from literally 1 person) are probably some of the worst kinds of people I've ever come in contact with. I thought that my old co-workers are awful people the ones I have no completely take the cake.

Of course being the trooper that I am, I've been sticking it out. Being snapped at and talked down to like I'm nothing more then an animal, being "asked" (More like ordered) to go and get change two stores over because their legs just don't seem to be working in that specific moment. Being strung along and promised things just to be treated different because I'm not like my co-workers. Even the damn customers will be greeted by me alot of the time won't even make eye contact they'll flat out ignore me just to walk over to one of the other chicks. It's pretty annoying but I have a good amount of people I talk to over the phone or the old heads that come in that I take care of  give me the reactions and thanks I deserve for the good service I give them.

It took them the longest time to even get me my system credentials so that I could start making my commission, BECAUSE my job is base pay plus whatever I make for my commission. I've been at my assigned store for a little over the month as of today and last week was my first week WITH my system credentials. I'd been asking for them since I finished my pc training but "You don't everything so that's why they give them to you" then it's  "Ohh it's costs the company money to make your logins so they won't rush to give them too you right away because people have left right after getting them ".  I was given all kinds of excuses as you why I hadn't received these damn numbers so I could make my own commission, meanwhile I was put on the normal work computers using my co-workers logins and access to these systems. I'm using their numbers to run transactions, learn the systems and "practice". I'm handling money that entire time without making anything for myself, I was practically working for them.


I'm handling money, I'm counting money, I'm selling phones, I'm selling internet boxes  AND NOT GETTING CREDIT FOR ANY OF IT!!  And then something happened..I relish in the fact that is event happened and I can't be held responsible or connected to it in anyway.  There was an accident on a wednesday that happened and to keep it brief It was huge fraud scheme that costed 13,000+$. It all started with a phone call which happened to come in a few minutes before my normal break time which was 5:00pm.  Alls I remember is the "store manager" picking up the phone and then everything after that was in spanish. I proceeded to ignore them and head out the door to take my break, when I return everyone is freaking the hell out about getting "Scammed". These fools done western unions some person in Mexico a very large amount of money, what happened afterwards went from everyone (me included) being blamed for what happened (I wasn't even on the premises when this happened and the higher ups have video evidence of this fact) to everyone's gonna to be held responsible when it comes to paying back the lost money. Of course everyone was like fuck that because I didn't have anything to do with that. (I've literally been writing this post on and off all day lol)


Fast forward to late last week everyone whispering around about interviews and whatnot, mind you I'd been applying to places since that whole fiasco started because I'm not for paying for nor being forced to pay for something I had nothing to do with. So tweedle dee started her job yesterday and reported that she'll be leaving because she actually enjoyed it. Tweedle dum (the store manager) is extremely pregnant and well ya know from what I heard she doesn't even need to work so she could quit whenever she felt like it. The other girl is half n half with her She's ok someday and other days she's awful it's a toss up she had some interviews but I trust she'll be on her way out too. As for me since I'm still getting the hang of everything now but most of the people I could ask for help are leaving and I don't wanna be stuck holding the bag, I got the hook up for an interview this Thursday so I'll be leaving as well alls I need from this school is my new start date and I'll be on my way to my new job...

I can't wait to not work through my weekends and to have the day to myself again....I'll be sure to keep you posted everything sorry this was so long Love ya <3