Well Hi ! Well I woke up late as hell after a fun evening yesterday and of course, despite barely leaving the house I ended up sick with something that's got half my throat puffed up like I inhaled something werid. So yeah I'm sick partly, I got 2 days left of my Christmas break aaaand I'm thinking about how I want things to be different. So I'm going to, I have too. I can't keep waiting around, I'm mad at myself for not taking my life more seriously until now.
but at the same time, I'm grateful that I didn't make too many mistakes. I have an alright amount of money in my checking account even if I don't have a savings. I have a roof over my head even if it was just an extended courtesy of my folks in law because of what happened. I pay a very a low amount of rent and I have people that check in on me to make sure I've eaten and make sure that I don't feel too lonely.
I am grateful for my friends that support me from the back behind I do need it even if I want to just be left alone and just do it all by myself, it just goes against the way my world works. Even in what I would describe as MY perfect world I'd still have my closest friends asking me how I'm feeling and checking in on me or even just saying hi to make sure I'm still here.
I love them so fucking much- So much that they'd probably think I'm werid. I want to give them the world just to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. Not just because of what happened but because of everything in general. For sticking by me and loving me back in thier own specific ways.
I love them I love them I love them so so fucking much- I need to call my dad.
I have too many thoughts swirling around my head right now and I feel my emotions trying to burst out and even though I try to let go so that they can fall over me like thier suppose to I keep swallowing them down even when I'm not trying too. I don't know how to let go of this grip I have on the way my feelings effect my body. I only let the negative through easily, most things positive I fight tooth and nail because I feel as if it's always some well hidden lie and I'd rather it just show it's true intent from the beginning then for me to let it in just for it to hurt me later on.
and I'm most likely the biggest liar I know- I want everything to be real, true and clear right before me when I myself always hide things. I keep them locked away..I keep it under lock and key in the darkest part of my mind. So deep and dark that I honestly forget about that part of myself. That I'm just a girl that wants the best of everything but I can never seem to figure out how to make it work for myself.
that I actually am resilient and alot of other things but I refuse to let those things show. A conduit for all the good that everyone probably tells me I am but I just can't...open that box- Hell I can't even reach the box. it feels like it's in an unreachable place. But I'm always hyper aware of what it's doing..whenever it creeks open and let's some of that darkness seep out. Like a bag full of angry little monsters.
I miss him but at the same time, I don't wanna think about him anymore. But it's just me running away again- I don't want to admit that I miss him the way he use to me feel, the way he'd call me, how he'd tell me it would all be alright. The way he promised me everything. . . and how he told me he loved me for the last time and I said it back angrily because I was mad at him.
How I wish I could have taken it back, how I wish I would have kissed him and held him so fucking tight before I could never touch him again...ever...
*Cry break*
anyways...this isn't what I was writing this for.
*took a small scroll and bathroom break* Totally lost my train of thought-
Well I missed my Opt to post this on the last day of the year and it is currently 3:19 a.m
I went out to round one It's like this arcade place or whatever I've never been there before It's similar to like a Dave & Buster's but way bigger and I guess the pricing was probably a bit better too for groups It's just I wish they had more games that I liked I still ended up having a really good time.
Had lots of fun laughed a lot didn't have too much to drink I really only had like the one free drink that came with a our group I guess like everyone that came got one free drink a couple of the people you know bought more with their own money I decided to not mostly because I am sick pretty much just having the one for like New Year's sake was enough for me really and we went back to like one of these people's houses for the countdown or whatever Which was also fun and then we all sat and chatted and played this game called buds Roses and thorns?
Where are you pretty much talk about something good that happened, something else good that happened but has a potential to become something even better or has potential to become bigger and better I guess something like that and then the thorn would be like something bad that's happened to you. Pretty much everyone except for me and I think that super quiet dudes name was Tate or something He kind of just sat and like listened to everyone else but he didn't really say anything at all.
I didn't really want to you know say my piece because first of all I don't really know any of you to only two of you have actually met him in three I just didn't want to talk about that particular thing today because I've already thought about it earlier in the day and I've had my moment for the day about it and I'm not really going to share something like that that's so heavy with people I don't really know The first day meeting them. So I decided to just kind of listen to everyone till their stories and whatnot and you know just vibe with everyone I guess but everybody started tapping out and leaving cuz everyone was getting sleepy which I mean yeah cuz I thought we were probably going to leave maybe around like 1:00 a.m. latest cuz you know be chatting it up shooting the s*** whatever after the countdown n**** it is 3:00 a.m. and now everybody's getting sleepy out baby I wanted to go home-
But I decided to stick it out just a little bit longer and honestly I ain't got too much break time left so I was like f*** it we ball, I ain't got s*** going on today anyway so might as well just you know get in my social time for the day and you know chop it up or whatever I don't know if the one dude what was his name Morgan or something like that I think probably I don't remember but he was like trying awfully hard to talk to me like a lot and I'm just like hi I guess I'm just kind of I'm kind of just here dude he's like oh you're really cool and blah blah and is that in the third and I'm just like thanks I don't really want to socialize I'm kind of just here as an extra person you know but you know it was cool I had fun but now that I'm home I'm going to probably sit for a bit in the dark and then I'll probably start getting ready for bed or actually I should just go to bed cuz it's late as hell and I got to go to work in 2 days so yeah..
Here's to the new year and to doing my best to make it better than the last 🍻✨
No comments:
Post a Comment